I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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