my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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