That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
