i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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