He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
