I just threw up on my dentist
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
