I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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