Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Mom said you looked used
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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