Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
