So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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