How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize