i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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