Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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