I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
