Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
