you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
