I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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