At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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