I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
