i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Your penis caused this!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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