Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
you had me at cake vodka
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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