Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
wow bdsm is so cute
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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