made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
