yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
BRING THE BAGELS
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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