I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
