honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Randomize
