I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
