she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
