dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Is it penis luge time yet?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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