I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Rumble strips road head = magical
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
