I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
