I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
