We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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