Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Drunk is not a location!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
