i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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