On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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