i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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