You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
