We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
