this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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