Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
