Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
