i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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