My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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