Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
