i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize