he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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