You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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