well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
