her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
