I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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