She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I need to stop coming to work sober
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
