Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize