i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
