I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I want her autograph on my taint
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
