i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
