Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
