Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
whose ass print is on the piano?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
