so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
