i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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