I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
