Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
