Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
