my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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